The beginnings
I don’t remember if playing music was something that came out of my own interest as a child. My parents believed very much in a well rounded education for their children and learning an instrument was part of it. It is not that I didn’t want to
play music, it is just that I never questioned whether music is something that I wanted to spend my time doing. So during my school years I jumped through all the hoops and got quite good at playing the violin. I joined symphony orchestras and quartets and played difficult classical pieces. But what settled in more and more was a sense of frustration and hopelessness of never being as good as my teacher wanted me to be. I always had a sense that it could be better, the sound could always be more brilliant and I could always make less mistakes. I fell into the trap of comparing myself to other musicians and was never satisfied with what I saw in the comparison. Also I felt frustrated that I didn’t seem able to share my music with others. I would be so nervous about playing in front of others and whenever I did it I had a horrible experience. I continued my studies with various teachers but my dissatisfaction and hopelessness grew by the day.
The moment I decided to give up
The moment when I decided to give up playing was after practising the Bach Partita in E major for weeks and weeks to enter a competition. I wanted to prove to myself that I could play in front of an audience. I could play it perfectly at home and felt I had done all I could to prepare myself for the competition. When the day came I felt so nervous. I was shaking and my hands were sweating. The more I listened to the other contestants play the more I got nervous. When it was my turn to go on stage and perform I was ready to crawl into a hole in the ground. I was trembling with nervousness. Needless to say that my performance was way below what I could do at home. I crumbled on stage and barely made it through the piece. My entire system was programmed to run away rather than play music. I was completely in fight or flight response. After that experience I decided to give up playing music. It seemed that I had proved to myself that I was hopeless at ever being good at it and share my skills with an audience.
Why I changed my mind
Following my school years I spend a lot of time traveling and exploring different
cultures. One of my explorations brought me to Brazil. Being in Brazil changed my life and the way I felt about music forever! In Brazil and especially in Salvador da Bahia where I spent most of my time, music is everywhere. The streets and houses are filled with sounds and rhythm and it is impossible to not get infected by the sounds of drums, singing and bossa nova. Music is a way of life. This was very different from the way I experienced music up until then. Music had always been something serious, a high skill that only a few selected talented people could be good at. It was about not making mistakes, about pleasing the teacher, about doing justice to Beethoven, about impressing an audience, about practising hard, about being a well educated human being. In Brazil my world turned upside down. I saw people of all ages and abilities play music together. Having a laugh while drinking caipirinha and dancing samba. I met a group of fishermen in a tiny village who started a jam session at a bus stop. The instruments they used were beer bottles, their voices a pandeiro and an old out of tune guitar. What they sang about was simple, nothing too fancy or poetic but the joy and emotion they expressed in their playing was infectious, authentic and very liberating! Music all of a sudden was about sharing joy and emotion with others, connecting with others, having a laugh, expressing yourself in a simple and honest way and having fun.
How I reclaimed music
In the following years I spend a lot of time with Tonynho dos Santos an excellent musician and teacher who helped me to express myself on my instrument.
I learned a lot about improvisation, rhythm and learning from my mistakes rather than avoiding them. I learned how to explore my instrument in a very different and liberating way. I learned how to share my music with an audience without breaking out in cold sweat. This has started an ongoing journey of
exploration for me as a musician. It has paved the way to me playing with many amazing musicians touring with many great projects and last but not least sharing my insights with my students.
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